Recently, I encountered a stalker. It was crazy how fast it happened.
One minute, I’m contemplating whether I want to give this guy on a dating app my number so he can text me, and the next, he’s become a stalker. It’s only the second time in my life that I’ve ever had to deal with this tendency in a man. And, he really didn’t stop. Even after I found a way to block him, he texted me again from another cell phone, and then again, through the app though I had already deleted him off of it.
I wondered what this was about, and I realized it was a mirror of something inside me. I had a deeply desperate little girl inside of me wanting to be loved and cared for in a way she has never had before. She had emerged again, because I recently broke up from a long-term relationship, and she was hurting. I sat with her today and cried and cried. Then, I cried some more as I wrote this letter to her (to me).
I wanted to share it with you because maybe you can use it to comfort the little ones inside you that need some love and attention too. Or maybe it will inspire you to write them a letter, or just sit with them for a while.
***Dear Little One,
I am here. I will not abandon you. I see you. I see how much you’re aching, hurting, longing. I see how much you are craving just to be held and loved and adored for just who you are. I know you’ve always worked so hard. So hard for the tiny scraps of love, of nurturing, of pure warmth you’ve sometimes received.
Those tiny scraps were always worth all the work, all the days of working to the bone and making yourself as small as possible so that everyone around you didn’t blow up and get upset about anything and everything you could not understand. They always felt like gifts, moments of light, in the darkness of your day-to-day life that was normal from the beginning.
At least, that’s what you told yourself. After a while though, your insides felt icky and tight, and you wanted to throw up at the thought of having to endure another torturous day of bending over backwards and doing what your mother asked, because it was the only way. It was the only way to keep the peace, to keep your world from falling apart. Your childhood was cut way too short.
You don’t even know what it feels like to get to do what you really want to do. You don’t even know what you really want to do most of the time. Though, if you get quiet long enough and really let yourself feel, you do.
I love you, my dear one. I know you’ve hurt so long that it feels like things will never change. But there is an older and wiser part of you that’s always been here, who has always fought hard for her freedom, and she is the one in control now. Now that you’re an adult, you can truly do what you want, and you know that you are safe. You know that you always have your own back, and that I will never abandon you.
I have always been here. Feel that. Put your own hand on your heart and the other one on your belly. Feel the warmth.
I’ve always been here, and will never ever let you feel abandoned again. I will never leave you. You never have to feel desperate and alone again.
You never have to chase those scraps of love, of warmth, ever again, because you will always know that you are loved deeply. I will always be here, and will help you nourish and love and care for you as you need. I will be the mother you never had, and will stay with you no matter what. No matter how bad things get on the outside, and how many messes you find yourself in, you will not be alone.
I love you, and will stay with you for every second of every part of it.
You are beautiful and worthy and loving and lovable. Don’t doubt it ever again. You are slowly, but very surely, walking your way to freedom, and you will get there. I assure you of that. Just keep going, honey. And, know, you never walk alone. Never. I am always with you. I will be here.
I love you.
Lovingly, always yours,
You (the slightly grown-up version)
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Author: Ruchi Jain
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